Royal Wedding: Guests' Survival Guide

There are just days to go until [one of] The Event[s] Of The Decade: the wedding of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle. You’re now spending every commute home from work reading about what the bride’s likely to wear/eat/say/do on the big day, what Wills is putting in his best man’s speech and whether there’s likely to be a glimpse of little Prince Louis at the church.

You arrive home, check the post, toss aside the usual bills, hold on to the takeaway menu, and there it is, at the bottom of the pile, hidden between a window-cleaning pamphlet and a reminder to renew your TV licence: handwritten ink on glossy cream paper with a wax seal. No, not your Hogwarts letter (sorry), but the next best thing: an invite to Hazza and Meg’s nuptials.

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But it’s THIS Saturday! What are you going to wear? There’s no time to pick your menu options now – what if you hate the food? And what on earth are you meant to do when you see the Queen?! Calm down, here’s everything you need to know about attending the royal wedding:

Remember, during the daytime ceremony at St George’s Chapel, you’re going to be among the likes of the Queen, the always stylish Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, and of course, the uber glamorous Meghan Markle herself, so you need to make a bit of an effort.

Men are expected to wear morning suits, while women should keep their shoulders covered and their cleavage modest. Basically keep flesh to a minimum. And for god’s sake, don’t wear white or try to upstage the bride.

Ladies should keep their barnets covered too, or at least wear a fascinator. But don’t choose something so elaborate you’ll block everyone’s view, and take it off before the evening do. No need to worry about hat hair though, as we’ll explain later.

In the church itself, you need to be on your best behaviour. It’s likely that Prince George and any fellow page boys will be dressed ridiculously – remember those gold pantaloons he was made to wear at Pippa Middleton’s wedding? – but make sure to stifle your giggles.

You’re bound to want to have a nosy at who’s sat around you, but be discreet. And no selfies. Yes, we know you might never again find yourself sat next to Geri Halliwell (or Horner, as she is now) at an event where Union Jacks are out en masse (#britpower) but selfies in a church are just a no-no – even at your cousin Gary’s wedding to that girl he only met six weeks ago. Just don’t.

When you’re filing out of the church past Her Majesty, you need to make sure you bow (for the men) or curtsy (for the women). Apparently, men just need to bow their heads in her direction, while women are expected to do a little bob – there’s no need to be getting all ballerina-like. Even Meghan’s going to have to do this. It might be her day, but it’s always all about the Queen. That’s some power.

There’s a lot of speculation about whether Meghan will have a second dress for the evening do, like the Duchess of Cambridge did at her wedding back in 2011. She probs will – wouldn’t you if you were marrying a prince?!

Some guests will change too, and the women will ditch their hats in favour of tiaras. We’re sure no one will notice that yours is a plastic one from Claire’s Accessories. Everyone else had much more time to prepare than you, didn’t they? We’re sure if they’d only got their invite with three days to go they would have raided their old student fancy-dress gear too.

We already know there’s going to be a fancy-pants lemon and elderflower cake to get your teeth into at the reception. We’re sure it won’t be served on serviettes like at Gary’s wedding though.

You need to be prepared for the grub. It’s not going to be the usual roast dinner/profiteroles/buffet job. Think more along the lines of the food served up on MasterChef – fancy ingredients, and tiny portions. We recommend taking a butty in your bag to scoff in the loo (they’ll be spotless, it’ll be fine) because you might be left hungry.

Keep an eye on the Queen – she’s never normally seen eating in public, so we’re intrigued to know if she ever actually does. We guess she’s trying to avoid an Ed Miliband-bacon sandwich-type situation, so keep your phone away, no matter how amazing it’d look on your Snapchat story.

And finally, the best piece of etiquette we’ve ever heard, courtesy of Titanic. When it comes to navigating the cutlery, start from the outside and work your way in – thanks Molly Brown.