Christmas Kitchenese: What You Actually Mean

One of the biggest parts of Christmas Day is undoubtedly the dinner. This delicious meal often takes hours to cook and no time at all to demolish, with the bulk of the preparation usually falling on one member of the family.

Whoever cooks in your house on Christmas Day, they probably have their own subtle ways of making sure people know to stay out of their way while still being polite so as not to start a dreaded Christmas row.

To help you make sure you’re where you’re supposed to be and not under the feet of the person trying to check the turkey, here are some of the phrases you’ll probably hear in the kitchen and at the dining table on Christmas Day and what they actually mean:

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What this really means: ‘If you don’t get out of my way you’ll be wearing the brussels sprouts’

We’ve all made the mistake of popping our heads into the kitchen to see if there’s anything we can do – although when we ask the question we’re secretly hoping the answer is ‘no’. Most often you’ll get a ‘I’m fine’, which we all know actually means ‘get out!’

While the cook of the family may appreciate the offer, they probably appreciate everyone leaving them well alone a lot more.

What this really means: ‘I need to hide from a certain family member’

Checking on anything when you know it isn’t anywhere near done is a sure-fire sign that someone just needs to hide from the overly-critical aunt or the uncle who has already had one too many glasses of sherry.

Just be sure not to point out that they only put the roast potatoes in five minutes ago, as that will definitely mean you can’t claim to be going to help them when you also want to escape.

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What this really means: ‘I burnt them but I’m going to pretend I meant to cook them like this.’

With so much going on when it comes to cooking Christmas dinner, you can forgive the blackened pigs in blankets or slightly charred parsnips. If the cook decides to tell you that they caramelised a vegetable or tried a new cooking technique this year, it probably means that something went wrong.

Just take it in your stride and insist that you think this is their best Christmas dinner ever. After all, no one wants tears and tantrums on December 25th.

What this really means: ‘I forgot to buy the carrots’

What’s that? There’s something missing from your plate this Christmas Day? The excuse may be that they’re trying to cut back on the mountains of food they usually serve up, but it probably means they just forgot to add it to the list.

They may well have rushed to the supermarket late last night to try and fight with a fellow trolley-wielding last-minute shopper for those final three carrots, or they just plain forgot until they were chopping the veg. Either way, let it slide and make a mental note to help with the shopping next year.

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What this really means: ‘The turkey is dry as a bone but I don’t want to say anything’

The turkey may have been cooked so much that every bit of moisture has seeped out of it so you feel like you’re eating sawdust, but if you tell the cook that, you’ll probably end up with your dinner in your lap.

Gravy is a marvelous thing, so just ask for it to be passed to you, load up on the cranberry sauce and chew until your jaw aches – you may want to avoid the turkey sandwiches later too with a tactical ‘I’m just so full from lunch still’.

What this really means: ‘I’m going to eat all the pigs in blankets and I’m not even sorry’

Have you noticed that cousin Barry has been eyeing up the bowl of pigs in blankets? Maybe he’s already on helping number three. If this is the case and then these words get uttered, make sure you grab a forkful before they all vanish.

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What this really means: ‘There’s not a chance in hell I’m doing the washing up’

Yes, you may be full to bursting with all your favourite festive foods, but that’s no excuse not to help with the clean up. Don’t be this person and don’t let anyone else get away with it unless it’s the person who did all the cooking in the first place.

If this seems like a lot to remember on Christmas Day, then don’t worry – we’ve got you covered. Keep our Christmas translator close to hand and you’ll be able to navigate your way around all those Christmas niceties so you’ll know how to respond politely!