GBBO Disaster Countdown

No one’s more excited to see GBBO back on our screens than us. And while a good deal of that excitement is in anticipation of saliva-inducing showstoppers and deeply obscure bakes, a lot of it is basic, cold-hearted schadenfreude.

After all, it’s not a question of if something’s going to go wrong; it’s a question of when – and how badly. So while we wait for things to go pear (tarte tatin) shaped in 2019, here’s a countdown of Tefal’s Top Ten Great British Bake Off Disasters Of All Time (or TTTGBBODOAT, if you prefer the whole acronym thing).

Okay, everyone loves Noel’s getup. And the fact that few of us would ever actually have the doughballs to wear anything like it ourselves is beside the point. But for us, the shirt with ice cream all over it had us creasing up for all the wrong reasons. Whatever he plucks out this season, let’s hope he’s got a trusty Garment Steamer handy to make the best (or is that worst?) of it.

Nadiya is a diamond. But those reactions in 2015 were more candid than candied. And it while it won her plenty of praise, for us it was a Nadi-no.

8) Dorret’s Soggy Botty

“It’s not just a cake” she wept as the soggiest looking bottom ever seen on a Black Forest Gateau plopped out the tin. Technically, of course, she wasn’t quite right. Without that bottom, it’s just not a cake. It was yet another situation crying out for the effortless precision of our Cake Factory.

7) John’s Bloody Finger

While we’re on the body parts, John Whaite – the young Mancunian who appeared in the 2012 series – badly cut his middle finger in a cake mixer, turning his strudel into a stru-hell.

When Nadiya won, Mary wept. And in doing so, she broke all our hearts. As one Twitter-er put it: ‘Seeing Mary Berry cry is like seeing your Granny crying. Not nice at all.” True.

5) James’ ‘Haunted’ Barn

Over the years, there’s been architecturally ambitious showstoppers that would’ve been more at home on Grand Designs than GBBO. We’ve seen gingerbread houses, windmills and even a Chinese fishing village. But the best of the worst surely goes to James Morton’s ‘haunted’ barn. Should’ve been condemned.

4) Rob’s Dropped Genoise

Factoid: the only dropped cake-like thing you should eat is a drop scone. (Yep, we’ve got a pan for that.) The true disaster here is that Paul Hollywood still ate it. In case you were wondering, the 5 second rule is a myth.

Salt and sweet go together like Paul and Prue. But when John Waite got salt and sugar mixed up, no one was impressed. Not even our ingenious Cake Factory can save you from human error on that scale.

2) Marie’s Button

As in, the oven’s ‘on’ button. Pretty essential if you’re baking a cake. To be fair, it’s easily done. Just not on a primetime TV programme. That’s just unforgivable.

1)  Iain’s Alaska Meltdown

What hasn’t been written about this episode isn’t worth writing. The moral of the story? Don’t leave things in other peoples’ freezers and expect to win anything.